Monday, January 9, 2012

America. Home of the free, the brave, and the unintelligible.

Working from home has its benefits, I get to smoke at my desk, plague social media sites with a vengeance, I don't have to worry about awkward bathroom situations, and I get to watch T.V during my lunch, coffee, tea, and whiskey breaks. But therein lies the problem. Daytime T.V has never been top notch, but with the vast array of channels on offer, it now seduces viewers with programmes they would never have turned to before.
T.L.C is a new channel on DSTV, educating the overweight youth on how not to behave when sent to fat camp, showing mothers how to prepare their blonde babies for pageantry, terrifying women into believing that they're pregnant but don't know about it, and helping those of little shame to understand the extensive use of coupons. A gem of a channel, some might say.
Yet the more of it that I watch (and believe me, I watch enough) the more I realise that North America is a continent with incontinence of the spoken word. Grossly phrased, but bare with me on this one.
“He come over yesterday, and he spit on me!” The pink chintz armchair of a human cries to the host. Yes, this sounds simply awful, but lets stick to what's important here, “he spit on me??” whatever happened to tenses? “He come over yesterday?” No he bloody didn't, he came over. Came. Past tense.
When the forefathers wrote that damnable constitution was there any mention about strongly opposing the correct use of tenses? If not, then why, pray tell, why is this nation incapable of speaking properly?
I find it insufferable to listen to anyone talking about routes and staying calm on this channel. I'm trying to be sympathetic, but when someone says, “She followed me down Route 24. I tried to stay calm.” I'm going, 'route,' pronounced root, not 'rowt,' you moron. And nobody pronounces the 'L' in calm, nobody in the world except your incomprehensible nation.
And while I'm on the warpath with Americanisations, let's discuss the Z they substitute for S.
It's just plain lazy. It's like you're saying that you were too tired to properly spell a word so you just wrote it phonetically. Leaving out U's left right and centre too. If you speak English, you speak and write it the way the English do. I'll have no more of this dallying about with silly grammar use and cross-continental confusion.
Yes, I want to know how you managed to have a baby in your own bed one night without even knowing you were pregnant, and yes, I'm fascinated to see if Lola-Bell wins this years “Sexy Texan Toddler” competition. But please, tell me about it in a language I can understand.


  1. Kelly as a human being and odd entity, I would just like to say, that you are quite brilliant! x